i am suicidal, not by actions but in thoughts.
I've tried it with knives when i was little, i couldn't do it of course, the idea of poison always disgusted me, call it cowardice.
depression is a disease not a habit and so is loneliness , remember that.
every night my chest feels heavy, and it takes me effort to breathe, it's the same effect that guilt produces. you do feel hollow in your chest, you want to cry but your tears won't come so it would just stay inside, it's a monster, it grows, it's growing in me since years, one day it will take over, when all the lights will forever be turned off. i wonder would i like to breathe that day.
some day i would imagine a screw driver slowly piercing through my shoulder, twisting around inside my skin, that feeling, agrh!
this one time i was drunk and i imagined killing myself with a broken glass bottle, then i obviously threw the thought away,
sometimes i wanna trip and fall and never wanna get up.
but i am alright.
yesterday i saw a girl making a small jump over to the courtyard, i was on the 5th floor and i don't know why i imagined myself jumping off the 5th floor there and then.
i imagined the flight and i don't know about the rest, well because i have never jumped till now.
i am afraid someday i will have a mental breakdown,
nothing helps me.
nobody can save me.
this pain it gets to my nerves.
no matter how much you council me, it doesn't help.
and you can scold me all you want, but really, what does that accomplish ?
i just feel bad for my mom, this is disappointing right ? i sigh like 5 times in 10 minutes.
i cannot help myself, i've tried and i am tired
i am tired of speaking, i am tired of listening. i don't love anyone anymore, like that.
i don't feel a thing and i mean it.
I've tried it with knives when i was little, i couldn't do it of course, the idea of poison always disgusted me, call it cowardice.
depression is a disease not a habit and so is loneliness , remember that.
every night my chest feels heavy, and it takes me effort to breathe, it's the same effect that guilt produces. you do feel hollow in your chest, you want to cry but your tears won't come so it would just stay inside, it's a monster, it grows, it's growing in me since years, one day it will take over, when all the lights will forever be turned off. i wonder would i like to breathe that day.
some day i would imagine a screw driver slowly piercing through my shoulder, twisting around inside my skin, that feeling, agrh!
this one time i was drunk and i imagined killing myself with a broken glass bottle, then i obviously threw the thought away,
sometimes i wanna trip and fall and never wanna get up.
but i am alright.
yesterday i saw a girl making a small jump over to the courtyard, i was on the 5th floor and i don't know why i imagined myself jumping off the 5th floor there and then.
i imagined the flight and i don't know about the rest, well because i have never jumped till now.
i am afraid someday i will have a mental breakdown,
nothing helps me.
nobody can save me.
this pain it gets to my nerves.
no matter how much you council me, it doesn't help.
and you can scold me all you want, but really, what does that accomplish ?
i just feel bad for my mom, this is disappointing right ? i sigh like 5 times in 10 minutes.
i cannot help myself, i've tried and i am tired
i am tired of speaking, i am tired of listening. i don't love anyone anymore, like that.
i don't feel a thing and i mean it.
Always think about your loved ones when you feel low. They have done Hard work since years just to fulfill our dreams. *Love you mom and dad* Never ever let the negative thoughts override your emotions and life.
ReplyDeleteThe article was really very good.
The way you write is something special.
Dont stop blogging. We need more such articles :)