suicidal

i am suicidal, not by actions but in thoughts.
I've tried it with knives when i was little, i couldn't do it of course, the idea of poison always disgusted me, call it cowardice.
depression is a disease not a habit and so is loneliness , remember that.
every night my chest feels heavy, and it takes me effort to breathe, it's the same effect that guilt produces. you do feel hollow in your chest, you want to cry but your tears won't come so it would just stay inside, it's a monster, it grows, it's growing in me since years, one day it will take over, when all the lights will forever be turned off. i wonder would i like to breathe that day.
some day i would imagine a screw driver slowly piercing through my shoulder, twisting around inside my skin, that feeling, agrh!
this one time i was drunk and i imagined killing myself with a broken glass bottle, then i obviously threw the thought away,
sometimes i wanna trip and fall and never wanna get up.
but i am alright.
yesterday i saw a girl making a small jump over to the courtyard, i was on the 5th floor and i don't know why i imagined myself jumping off the 5th floor  there and then.
i imagined the flight and i don't know about the rest, well because i have never jumped till now.
i am afraid someday i will have a mental breakdown,
nothing helps me.
nobody can save me.
this pain it gets to my nerves.
no matter how much you council me, it doesn't help.
and you can scold me all you want, but really, what does that accomplish ?
i just feel bad for my mom, this is disappointing right ? i sigh like 5 times in 10 minutes.
i cannot help myself, i've tried and i am tired
i am tired of speaking, i am tired of listening. i don't love anyone anymore, like that.
i don't feel a thing and i mean it.

twenty one pilots : all that i feel in a single album - blurryface

"There's an infestation in my mind's imagination,
I hope that they choke on smoke 'cause I'm smoking them out the basement,
Just another attempt to make the voices stop,
'Cause I wasn't the only one who wasn't rushing to sayin' nothing,
This doesn't mean I lost my dream,
It's just right now I got a really crazy mind to clean
Can you save, can you save my—
Can you save my heavydirtysoul?
Can you save my heavydirtysoul?
For me, for me"

" I wish I found some better sounds no one's ever heard,
I wish I had a better voice that sang some better words,
I wish I found some chords in an order that is new,
I wish I didn't have to rhyme every time I sang,
I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink,
But now I'm insecure and I care what people think.
My name's 'Blurryface' and I care what you think.
Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol' days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we're stressed out.
"We used to play pretend, give each other different names,
We would build a rocket ship and then we'd fly it far away,
Used to dream of outer space but now they're laughing at our face,
Saying, "Wake up, you need to make money."


" Yeah, I think about the end just way too much
But it's fun to fantasize
I've been thinking too much
I've been thinking too much
(HELP ME)"

"Yo, you, bulletproof in black like a funeral
The world around us is burning but we’re so cold
It’s the few, the proud, and the emotional"

" Sometimes you've got to bleed to know,
That you're alive and have a soul,
But it takes someone to come around to show you how.
The songs on the radio are ok,
But my taste in music is your face,
he's the tear in my heart, I'm alive,
he's the tear in my heart, I'm on fire,
he's the tear in my heart, Take me higher,
Than I've ever been.
My heart is my armor,
he's the tear in my heart, he's a carver,
he's a butcher with a smile, cut me farther,
Than I've ever been."


"All these songs I'm hearing are so heartless
Don't trust a perfect person and don't trust a song that's flawless"



"I found my way,
Right time, wrong place,
As I pled my case.
You're the judge, oh no, set me free,
I know my soul's freezing,
Hell's hot for good reason, so please, take me."

" Scared of my own image, scared of my own immaturity,
Scared of my own ceiling, scared I'll die of uncertainty,
Fear might be the death of me, fear leads to anxiety,
Don't know what's inside of me.
Don't forget about me,
Don't forget about me,
Even when I doubt you,
I'm no good without you, no, no
Temperature is dropping, temperature is dropping,
I'm not sure if I can see this ever stopping,
Shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts, no,
You are all that I've got, no.
Don't forget about me,
Don't forget about me,
Even when I doubt you,
I'm no good without you, no, no, no, no, no"

" Help me polarize, help me polarize,
Help me out,
My friends and I, we've got a lot of problems.
Domingo en fuego, I think I lost my halo,
I don't know where you are,
You'll have to come and find me, find me."


"What if my dream does not happen?
Would I just change what I've told my friends?
Don't wanna know who I would be,
When I wake up from a dreamer's sleep.
I need to know that when I fail you'll still be here,
'Cause if you stick around I'll sing you pretty sounds,
And we'll make money selling your hair.
But I don't care what's in your hair,
I just wanna know what's on your mind,
I used to say, "I wanna die before I'm old,"
But because of you I might think twice.
I don't care what's in your hair,
I just wanna know what's on your mind,
I used to say, "I wanna die before I'm old,"
But because of you I might think twice."


"A loser hides behind a mask of my disguise,
And who I am today is worse than other times,
You don't know what I've done, I'm wanted and on the run.
I'm wanted and on the run.
So I'm taking this moment to live in the future
Release me from the present,
I'm obsessing all these questions,
Why I'm in denial that they tried the suicidal session,
Please use discretion when you're messing with the message, man,
These lyrics aren't for everyone, only few understand"

" My shadow tilts its head at me,
Spirits in the dark are waiting,
I will let the wind go quietly,
I will let the wind go quietly,
Be the one, be the one,
To take my soul and make it undone,
Be the one, be the one,
To take me home and show me the sun,
I know, I know,
You can bring the fire, I can bring the bones,
I know, I know,
You'll make the fire, my bones will make it grow"

" I don't know why, I just feel I'm better off,
Staying in the same room I was born in,
I look outside, and see a whole world better off,
Without me in it trying to transform it,
You are out of my mind, you aren't seeing my side,
You waste all this time trying to get to me,
But you are out of my mind"

"ungrateful"
i am ungrateful because i am given, all the things which i got by birth, a ten rupee note would hold no value to me, i could chew on it and spit it, wipe my ass off it, because oh well it's a ten rupee note which i obviously did not earn, i was in Chandigarh, in an auto and it stopped by a worker, who must have worked hard the entire day in the sun, burning his skin and giving him a taste of hell, his dark tanned skin made it evident. so the auto stopped, i was at the back and moved a little to give that man space, no it wouldn't have bothered me to sit with him, not at all, but what bothered me is what happened next, he did not come to sit behind on the seat but sat beside the uncomfortable driver's seat. i do not know what to make of it.was he subjected to such harsh discrimination that he himself did not think fit of himself to sit beside properly dressed up people? and then when he reached the place he was going he took out a bundle of white paper and a few notes, he took a ten rupee note and handed it over to the auto-wala. i want to feel how hard it must have been, to earn so little and to spend it. i don't want to be ungrateful, i don't want to forget.