suicidal

i am suicidal, not by actions but in thoughts.
I've tried it with knives when i was little, i couldn't do it of course, the idea of poison always disgusted me, call it cowardice.
depression is a disease not a habit and so is loneliness , remember that.
every night my chest feels heavy, and it takes me effort to breathe, it's the same effect that guilt produces. you do feel hollow in your chest, you want to cry but your tears won't come so it would just stay inside, it's a monster, it grows, it's growing in me since years, one day it will take over, when all the lights will forever be turned off. i wonder would i like to breathe that day.
some day i would imagine a screw driver slowly piercing through my shoulder, twisting around inside my skin, that feeling, agrh!
this one time i was drunk and i imagined killing myself with a broken glass bottle, then i obviously threw the thought away,
sometimes i wanna trip and fall and never wanna get up.
but i am alright.
yesterday i saw a girl making a small jump over to the courtyard, i was on the 5th floor and i don't know why i imagined myself jumping off the 5th floor  there and then.
i imagined the flight and i don't know about the rest, well because i have never jumped till now.
i am afraid someday i will have a mental breakdown,
nothing helps me.
nobody can save me.
this pain it gets to my nerves.
no matter how much you council me, it doesn't help.
and you can scold me all you want, but really, what does that accomplish ?
i just feel bad for my mom, this is disappointing right ? i sigh like 5 times in 10 minutes.
i cannot help myself, i've tried and i am tired
i am tired of speaking, i am tired of listening. i don't love anyone anymore, like that.
i don't feel a thing and i mean it.

twenty one pilots : all that i feel in a single album - blurryface

"There's an infestation in my mind's imagination,
I hope that they choke on smoke 'cause I'm smoking them out the basement,
Just another attempt to make the voices stop,
'Cause I wasn't the only one who wasn't rushing to sayin' nothing,
This doesn't mean I lost my dream,
It's just right now I got a really crazy mind to clean
Can you save, can you save my—
Can you save my heavydirtysoul?
Can you save my heavydirtysoul?
For me, for me"

" I wish I found some better sounds no one's ever heard,
I wish I had a better voice that sang some better words,
I wish I found some chords in an order that is new,
I wish I didn't have to rhyme every time I sang,
I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink,
But now I'm insecure and I care what people think.
My name's 'Blurryface' and I care what you think.
Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol' days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we're stressed out.
"We used to play pretend, give each other different names,
We would build a rocket ship and then we'd fly it far away,
Used to dream of outer space but now they're laughing at our face,
Saying, "Wake up, you need to make money."


" Yeah, I think about the end just way too much
But it's fun to fantasize
I've been thinking too much
I've been thinking too much
(HELP ME)"

"Yo, you, bulletproof in black like a funeral
The world around us is burning but we’re so cold
It’s the few, the proud, and the emotional"

" Sometimes you've got to bleed to know,
That you're alive and have a soul,
But it takes someone to come around to show you how.
The songs on the radio are ok,
But my taste in music is your face,
he's the tear in my heart, I'm alive,
he's the tear in my heart, I'm on fire,
he's the tear in my heart, Take me higher,
Than I've ever been.
My heart is my armor,
he's the tear in my heart, he's a carver,
he's a butcher with a smile, cut me farther,
Than I've ever been."


"All these songs I'm hearing are so heartless
Don't trust a perfect person and don't trust a song that's flawless"



"I found my way,
Right time, wrong place,
As I pled my case.
You're the judge, oh no, set me free,
I know my soul's freezing,
Hell's hot for good reason, so please, take me."

" Scared of my own image, scared of my own immaturity,
Scared of my own ceiling, scared I'll die of uncertainty,
Fear might be the death of me, fear leads to anxiety,
Don't know what's inside of me.
Don't forget about me,
Don't forget about me,
Even when I doubt you,
I'm no good without you, no, no
Temperature is dropping, temperature is dropping,
I'm not sure if I can see this ever stopping,
Shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts, no,
You are all that I've got, no.
Don't forget about me,
Don't forget about me,
Even when I doubt you,
I'm no good without you, no, no, no, no, no"

" Help me polarize, help me polarize,
Help me out,
My friends and I, we've got a lot of problems.
Domingo en fuego, I think I lost my halo,
I don't know where you are,
You'll have to come and find me, find me."


"What if my dream does not happen?
Would I just change what I've told my friends?
Don't wanna know who I would be,
When I wake up from a dreamer's sleep.
I need to know that when I fail you'll still be here,
'Cause if you stick around I'll sing you pretty sounds,
And we'll make money selling your hair.
But I don't care what's in your hair,
I just wanna know what's on your mind,
I used to say, "I wanna die before I'm old,"
But because of you I might think twice.
I don't care what's in your hair,
I just wanna know what's on your mind,
I used to say, "I wanna die before I'm old,"
But because of you I might think twice."


"A loser hides behind a mask of my disguise,
And who I am today is worse than other times,
You don't know what I've done, I'm wanted and on the run.
I'm wanted and on the run.
So I'm taking this moment to live in the future
Release me from the present,
I'm obsessing all these questions,
Why I'm in denial that they tried the suicidal session,
Please use discretion when you're messing with the message, man,
These lyrics aren't for everyone, only few understand"

" My shadow tilts its head at me,
Spirits in the dark are waiting,
I will let the wind go quietly,
I will let the wind go quietly,
Be the one, be the one,
To take my soul and make it undone,
Be the one, be the one,
To take me home and show me the sun,
I know, I know,
You can bring the fire, I can bring the bones,
I know, I know,
You'll make the fire, my bones will make it grow"

" I don't know why, I just feel I'm better off,
Staying in the same room I was born in,
I look outside, and see a whole world better off,
Without me in it trying to transform it,
You are out of my mind, you aren't seeing my side,
You waste all this time trying to get to me,
But you are out of my mind"

"ungrateful"
i am ungrateful because i am given, all the things which i got by birth, a ten rupee note would hold no value to me, i could chew on it and spit it, wipe my ass off it, because oh well it's a ten rupee note which i obviously did not earn, i was in Chandigarh, in an auto and it stopped by a worker, who must have worked hard the entire day in the sun, burning his skin and giving him a taste of hell, his dark tanned skin made it evident. so the auto stopped, i was at the back and moved a little to give that man space, no it wouldn't have bothered me to sit with him, not at all, but what bothered me is what happened next, he did not come to sit behind on the seat but sat beside the uncomfortable driver's seat. i do not know what to make of it.was he subjected to such harsh discrimination that he himself did not think fit of himself to sit beside properly dressed up people? and then when he reached the place he was going he took out a bundle of white paper and a few notes, he took a ten rupee note and handed it over to the auto-wala. i want to feel how hard it must have been, to earn so little and to spend it. i don't want to be ungrateful, i don't want to forget.

SHE

helplessness. a state where you cannot blame anyone for anything which you are going through.

loss of appetite came as easy as loss of interest in things and people. loss of interest in things that made her happy, things as small as

her favorite ice cream, but wait she never had any favorite. any flavor would do. she lost her interest in chocolates, shopping or putting makeup on,

in parties she would get drunk and would dance to the beats but she would feel none of it. she would just jump and exert herself so that she can sleep well at night.

dreams. she can no longer remember them. "if it's true love, it would come back" thats what they told her. and she would just nod to it. she would put earphones on and play no music,

she would sit like that for a long time, staring into nothingness. she would grow stronger each day, grow a thicker skin, become more inert to all the pain, little by little.

rain would make her sad. his touch haunts her, makes her shiver. she is beautiful in her own way, and men would want to have a piece of her, call her their own and she would try to fall in love but  as soon she entered into that zone with a possibility of fallinng into somebody's arms, she would naturally choak. it would get repulsive. HE was the only true thing she ever had. god it sent chills up her spine. maybe she is overthinking. At the end of the day, each night he would haunt her

and now she's sitting down and writing this on her notepad.

random fill-up

so i wait for my turn

after you are done talking with her

it's not like i need you

i've been fine walking alone 

star gazing my way back home

where silence waits for me eagerly 

and i embrace myself lovingly

no i am not sad to have nobody

i am but happy to have you in my dreams

but she haunts me even in my world

i don't know if i have wants 

and it kinds of stings 

because i think i am a slave to this helplessness 

and these chains won't ever break

slaves have no rights 

and you have no wrongs 

i am running away from this chaos 

to a much peaceful world i don't belong

it's like i want to collapse right in your arms

but having wants is not what i can have 

wish you could love me

no strings attached 

wish you could try

because i know you are bound by your promises 

and i am bound by injustice to her

is this even real?

if you were in love with her 

then why did fall for me?

it burns my chest

but i am smiling

this pain is real and i see red everywhere 

but i trust time

it will take this away from me too

The Glass Wall

I lost count
my nails were blue

In unconsciousness my hallucinations of you

Turned colorful

But inner emotions and outer expressions
are different

and yes i need them

when I’m shrinking
and gasping

and shivering

but laughing

On the other side of glass wall
you saw me falling
blackout

There is more to us than love

But you can’t see me dying
on the other side of glass wall

Your eyes
deeper than the depths of mercury
made me revive

At that time when I needed them the most

When my ears bled of taunts

i can't be that great to you

as great you are to me

my education's wrong

i broke all my rules

and crossed the boundaries of the limits of my mind

it's not pain

it's not happiness

it's not even something between

it’s something more than love

you called it infatuation

but I’ll take a jar and save some

of this infatuation

On the other side of glass wall

you saw me falling

blackout

There is more to us than love

But you can’t see me dying

on the other side of glass wall

there is more to us than love

there is more to us than love

 there is more to us than love 

Unsaid

"Unsaid "

things will remain unsaid cuz
I'll never be able to tell you myself
how i feel and how i must
about the memories turned into dust
with a pen and crumpled paper i started to write
the things that i couldn't say with numbness on my mind...
i am blank and empty with or without you
I'm strange and mad and dumb too
explore my heart and make it race again
my vision is fading it will all end..
.take me back ...
take me back
like i used to be a year ago
like all those normal people or so..
.i Don't know how i got this way, never thought it would be
my wings destructed to ash maybe
but still...
things remained unsaid and i was never able to tell my self ....